Norm, Hiccups, and Insomnia?

I have nicknamed this baby "Norm."  Short for "enormous."

If you have seen my Facebook page, you can see the recent pictures of me at 22 and 24 weeks. I am significantly larger in just 2 weeks.  And, like the song says, it doesn't show signs of stopping.

Someone reminded me the other day that I should be keeping track of the little funny/odd/random things that go on with this pregnancy, because I won't remember them all and they will make great stories later. Possibly to embarrass her in front of her boyfriends. Heh.

- For starters, last night Rick and I entertained ourselves during one of her bouts of dancing by balancing the tv remote across my bellybutton and watching it dip, bounce, and wiggle.

- I have been comparing her with both the Aliens chest burster and the scene in Constantine where the demon tries to escape through the gal's abdominal skin. Some days it feels like the skin is bubbling up in repeated lumps when she gets going on a tumbling run.

- Baby hiccups TICKLE. Not my favorite sensation, but somewhat entertaining when she's lying high enough up to feel the bounce w/less tickle. When she bounces her hiccups off my bladder and groin for 10 minutes, it is absolutely creepy-crawly all over the place.

This next one is a TMI, so anyone who is mildly weird about natural processes, you may look away. Also, you should probably stop reading this blog altogether, since I am a "sharer."

- So... nipple crusties. That was new. And kind of gross (in a fascinating way). You know, like how you get little eye crusties in the corners of your eyes when your eye gunk dries there overnight? It seems that colostrum will do the same thing occasionally.

- I have no idea how she does it, but she still responds to Rick. His voice, his hand on my belly, she always moves towards him. Even when we very carefully swap hands in identical positions, as soon as it's not my hand, she stops moving... tests the area, usually by a light kick/punch or pressure... then moves directly into the area he is touching. We don't know if it's a pressure or temperature difference, or if she can feel his electromagnetic field, or what! No matter how sneaky or quiet or careful we are, she unfailingly picks out where he is. Once I had my hand and his on the belly together. She settled under his hand, then kicked mine. HOW DOES SHE KNOW???

- I've also joked that I'm gestating the reincarnation of Shiva, because she seems to keep sprouting extra limbs.

- She's been doing morning calisthenics lately, mostly with her feet just left of my bellybutton. If I say nothing and move carefully, I can get Rick's hand over onto the spot she's kicking while she's in the middle of a series of impacts. He's felt her kicking so many more times that way. If she's not alerted, she will complete the set of kicks before she realizes it's dad and settles down.

- Don't know what the difference is, but when her feet are upward and she's mostly kicking me at bellybutton level or higher, it doesn't hurt or annoy as much. Less nerve endings in the surrounding guts, I guess?  She tends to settle head down in the pelvic cradle at night, then kick me high in the mornings before I get out of bed. Once I'm up and moving, she drops down and lies either sideways or head up. Then the kicks are low and against my groinal area or bladder. That's always fun. Plus, they can actually hurt if she gets a good one in against a sore hip or tired ligament.

- I read somewhere that most uterus (uterusses? uteri?) tend to slant to the right, so baby will often lie to mom's right side most often. Naturally, that means this baby has spent her time mostly on my left. She's already a weirdo. Guess that suits for parents like Rick and me.

- I feel so bloody huge all the time, and I know I've still got a LOOOOOONG way to go, belly-wise.  Though it is interesting to finally be to the point where we can watch my skin ripple as she rolls over, and tell where she's lying by which side of me is asymmetrical.

- Pregnancy amnesia is bizarre. Things that are routine become challenging. Trying to think of the word "amnesia" one day, all I could come up with was, "Pregnancy... insomnia?"  Mostly it's been forgetting words or losing track of what I was saying or doing. The worst (and funniest) occurrence so far has been in the restroom at the college. I exited the stall, headed for the sinks. I pulled a paper towel out of the dispenser. I stared at it for a good 10 seconds. I said out loud to myself, "You can't wash your hands with this, Linnea."  I set it down, got some soap, and washed my hands. THEN I picked up the paper towel and dried them. *sigh*

I'll try to remember to add more as they occur to me, but with all the pregnancy insomnia, it's hard to say when. :D  Baby has been awake and kicking as I've typed this, and I think would like me to get up and move around a bit. So I'm going to go help Rick work on prepping the 2nd bathroom for installation! Yay!

22 Weeks And On The Downhill Side

Had our monthly prenatal checkup today. Baby is doing marvelously. She had a beautiful strong 150bpm heart rate, because she decided to start rolling around as they got out the doppler. Rick got to run the wand while Jana timed and counted. She had a hand on my belly just as baby rolled towards dad, and was startled and happy that she got to feel it this early.

Jana says everything sounds wonderful, I look good, and confirmed that baby is big and wiggly. Apparently she measured in the 69th percentile for size at 18 weeks. Can't imagine what she's gonna end up, since she started out exactly on target for size and keeps outgrowing her stage. Whoof.

Yesterday was a bad one; uterine stretching always leaves me nauseated. I'm more than an inch above my belly button now. No wonder I got kicked in the bottom of a lung yesterday. And baby has been stretching out as far as she can. She's gonna be a terror for a while when my uterus stops growing and she fills out the space in there.

The nausea and the round ligament pain have been the worst of the last week. Oh, and the fatigue, which seems to be back in full force. (In fact, I think I'll go take a nap after this post.) I've managed to get one or two things done around the house - caught up a bit of laundry and started clearing a bit out of the bedroom - but mainly I rest. I am so tired right now I don't know what to do w/myself other than sleep.  Living room is still dirty, no holiday decorations or tree up yet. Rick and I (mostly Rick) did get the lights hung on the outside of the house, yay! And I've made about half of the Christmas cards for this year. I was hoping that stamping cards would be a fun way to feel accomplished without having to expend much energy. At this moment, even focusing that much seems too difficult.

Annie opens Friday. I'll be spending every evening this week in tech rehearsals. I suppose with that going every night, I can cut myself some slack for daytime energy, right? Right. Naptime!

Calmer.

Sometimes, like earlier this week when I flipped out in the middle of the night, this pregnancy just gets to be too much for me. I'm sorry that I'm a complainer. I also appreciate all the support you guys give me when I do whine about something that I am fully aware that I chose to do.

In the aftermath of my massive breakdown, apparently Lyra wore herself out. She gave me two whole days of relative quiet and calm before resuming her schedule of kicks, rolls, and general obnoxious behavior. And even more fortunate, those two days of recovery worked for both of us. I've found the amusement value in the wiggles again. She's really putting on the weight and size now, so I'm feeling very distinct thumps when a teeny foot or fist connects. It makes me giggle at times, especially when they're timed in ways to seem like responses to a comment or a song or the dogs barking. (Ok, that last one may be actually true.)

Speaking of interactive baby, not only does she move toward Rick if he talks to/touches my belly for any length of time, but she's beginning to respond to me a lot more directly. The other day, I was resting between songs at Annie rehearsal. Unthinkingly, I dropped both hands and thumped my palms into the sides of my belly... and startled the baby. She jumped so hard, I almost jumped too! I felt bad, but couldn't help laughing.

She's wiggling around right now. It's mind boggling how much more of the small movements I'm beginning to feel. No wonder it drove me crazy for a couple days. Glad I'm adjusting, even if it does mean occasionally wanting to scream from annoyance and nausea, heh.

I'd imagine the fact that it has finally started snowing and sticking has helped my disposition somewhat. Yay, snow!

Perpetual Motion

She never sleeps.

Let me rephrase that: Unless she's like the dogs and runs when she dreams, she never sleeps.

I settle in bed for the night. She does handstands on my bladder 10 min after I've gone pee and necessitates another trip downstairs to the bathroom. Then she kicks me when I climb back up the stairs. She kicked & rolled all the way to Polson and back today. She's kicking & punching me as I type this. There is constant motion, frequent pressure, and right now I'm wide awake again in the middle of the night when I'm so tired I could scream and all I want to do is rest and she won't stop moving-kicking-punching-wiggling-pushing-stretching long enough to let me and I'm so frustrated and nauseated from all the upward pressure that I'm almost puking and in tears and still she NEVER SLEEPS.

How can a little half pound of nothing, who is so loved and SO wanted, be such an absolute misery to my body? :(

I Have An Announcement To Make

...Ahem.

It's a girl. :)

(Yes, we snuck in an appointment with the ultrasound tech at the hospital today. We didn't say anything because of the chance of not seeing the gender anyway, plus we wanted the surprise if we did see it. Pictures to be posted later.)

I Can Do This... Right?

Today was the dreaded meeting with the diabetes educator. Dealing with this while still plague-ridden was more than I wanted to handle, but I gritted my teeth and went anyway...

...and found out it might not be as bad as I feared.

First and foremost, I'm pregnant. (NO, really?) That means any restrictions still have to be sensible to growing a human inside me. Therefore, while yes I have to count carbs and watch my glucose levels, and yes I have to poke my finger 4x a day (and pee in a cup every morning to be sure I'm not deforming baby's brain with ketones), I'm also not being completely restricted from carbs or sugar or fats or anything else. In fact, I'm supposed to make sure I get at least 150g of carbs every day! I can have a damn cheeseburger for lunch, so long as I lay off the bacon and have a salad instead of fries on the side.

Second of all, I'm not SUPPOSED to let myself get hungry. Smaller meals, more often. (Heard that one before, eh?) I have been directed to eat 3 meals plus 3 snacks every single day. And I figured out today, about the time I started feeling bad that I hadn't had my afternoon snack, a sugar-free skim latte counts as about 1 carb selection, perfect for a snack! Yum. And heaven on the sore throat.

Third, she gave me my actual glucose numbers from the 3 hr test, and they weren't nearly as bad as it sounded. I don't know if Julie was going off a different set of numbers than the diabetes education folks use, but of the 4 readings only one was even close to being out of normal range for pregnancy (it was right at the top number exactly) and the other 3 were within normal. I also learned that the fact that I was already down hard with this cold may have been enough to bump my numbers higher. So I might not actually be full blown GD yet. It can't hurt me to start being careful now, though. Apparently the pregnant body needs 3x the insulin as normal in the 3rd trimester. And with PCOS, I am already fighting an insulin resistance. It's just safer all around if I keep things monitored, I suppose.

Long story short, I think I might be able to manage this until April. And now, I'm going to go enjoy my 6" turkey sub on wheat, loaded w/veggies (only 3 carb points!) and try to beat back this plague a bit further. Wish us luck that baby cooperates tomorrow for the ultrasound and I'll be able to announce girl or boy!

p.s. - For my costume today, I took strips of muslin and wrapped my belly. I was a mummy. ;)  Happy Halloween!

WTF

I think there's an universal law somewhere that says you've gotta have crap go wrong once in a while. And it never rains but it pours, right?

I am sick. It's a stupid cold. I feel like I'm dying. WTF, pregnancy?

I spent 3 hours in the clinic yesterday, being poked repeatedly (4 times, not counting the re-try on one) to take a blood test because suddenly my glucose levels are too high, even though they were normal 2 weeks ago. WTF, pregnancy?

I eat decently. I try to make good choices and stay fairly close to a low glycemic diet when I can. No, I'm not perfect at it, but I do make an effort to cut out/down cholesterol and fat and sugars and such. I just got the call back from the aforementioned blood tests. I have gestational diabetes already. WTF'ingF, pregnancy???

I'm whiny and grouchy as hell because of this übercold ravaging my system, and then I get bad news on top of it. How is this even REMOTELY fair right now? (For the record, the first person to tell me, "Life isn't fair" will find my foot lodged sideways in their rectum.) I am so frustrated and annoyed and upset. I know it's not the end of the world, but seriously? Couldn't I just have a normal run through this? Or at the VERY least, not have complications until later, when I don't have to be paranoid for another 5.5 months?

Maybe it's the virus talking, but I am feeling pretty crapped on right now. Bah.

Not Too Exciting, Just An Update

Another prenatal visit checked off the list! This one was quick and painless. Mostly just to check in with test results, discuss how things are going, and do a quick heartbeat listen. 160bpm this time. Jana hadn't heard it yet, and she was really happy to get to run the doppler.

So... getting used to the weird swooshy-dropping-fluttery feeling of baby doing gymnastics is not quite so magical and awe-inspiring as it is often made out to be. Now don't get me wrong, it is freaking neat to know there is a little live being inside me wiggling around making that sensation. But the first day that I could really feel baby somersaulting (and HOO BOY was she/he active that day, right after the day I spent w/the uncomfortable pressure. Guess my uterus stretched enough to give her a running start at tumbling!) I spent the whole day queasy and finally puked up my dinner before calling it a day and attempting to sleep. It was the worst I'd felt since the morning sickness wore off. Y'know that feeling when you're stepping off something just a little bit too high? Kind of a dropping of the stomach? It's like that. Only sustained for anywhere from seconds to minutes at a time. And every round of it made me queasy like a roller coaster gone bad. I'm finally adjusting to the sensations now, but she/he can still get an occasional flip in that slams into the uterine wall w/enough force to make me catch my breath and stifle an *urp*. Amazing what a couple of ounces with mobility can do to a person.

In 2 weeks, I get to do the really fun glucose tolerance test, drinking 1/2 bottle of nasty sugar water (lemon-lime!) They're also doing a blood draw that day for the other genetic screening.

2 weeks after that, I have another prenatal visit. I'll only be 18 weeks along, but Jana said we could possibly take a peek on their (somewhat inferior) ultrasound machine, maybe get a look at baby's gender? Hopefully baby will cooperate and be all spread eagle for us. :D

And The Results Are In...

Before the screening, my chances of chromosomal abnormalities (based on age and other factors):
Down's: 1 in 271
Triwhatsits 13 & 18: 1 in 497

After the screening, my odds are now:
Down's: 1 in 5401
Triwhatsits 13 & 18: 1 in 9921

It's always wonderful when the nurse calls and starts the conversation with, "I have good news for you!" I may even stop grinning sometime today. :D

Genetic Screen

Today we went in for my genetic screening. Basically it's a test that shows whether or not I have higher or lower risk of birth defects like Down's syndrome. It doesn't tell for sure whether the baby has it, but it can tell us if there is a reason for concern or if we should consider further testing (in this case, it would be an amniocentesis.)

THE DOWN SIDE: I have really good platelets. Part of the test requires a finger jab (middle finger) and 5 really big drops of blood. By #4, I was clotting. By #5, I'd stopped bleeding entirely. So I got a second finger jab in my index finger. OW. One more enormous drop and I had two bandaged fingers to take home as a souvenir.

THE UP SIDE: Baby's feet. Well, they were pointing up, anyway. The other part of the test is an ultrasound to check the size of this little space in the skin on the back of baby's neck. The space was well within normal size and baby is exactly where she/he should be for growth. Placenta is posterior and not low (perfect). But it was also a grand excuse to gawk at our little one that finally looks human. Baby was standing on its head, feet pointed up. The Dr. turned the sound on and charted the heartbeat, so we got to hear it again. So fast and loud! 150bpm, which is gloriously healthy.  We saw the heart beating and the spine and the itsy nose and chin and - best of all - watched baby wiggle its arms and kick its teeny legs and I even saw the mouth open and close. We have a string of printed pictures that I will post at some point.

A couple bandaids as a tradeoff for baby wiggles? Deal. :D

2nd Trimester, Beeyotches!!

Ok, sorry it's been a while. September has been a rollercoaster for me, hormones and schedules all over the place. With that said...

BOOYAH!!!!!

I am now OFFICIALLY in my 2nd trimester! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
*break for victory lap around the room*

I feel so much better. Not just the nausea finally giving over 99% of the time now, but also because we are past the worst danger of miscarriage and birth defects. I feel SO DAMN EXCITED now, this one is really gonna stick! Thank you for all the sticky velcro-tape-glue thoughts early on; they seem to have worked like a charm. <3

My biggest complaint now is that April feels so far away and I'm in desperate need of a baby fix. I think I'll start making the rounds of all my new mommy friends and usurping their bundles of joy for a few hours at a time.

Things are looking up for the household, too. We've been in a conundrum over how we'd afford a 2nd vehicle once baby's here, but needed to make it happen so I wouldn't be stranded w/no transport 5 days a week. But we figured it would work out like it should, and we'd find a way to budget for it. Then my grandmother (bless her to the bottoms of her feet) decided she isn't driving enough to need her car anymore, so she's selling it to us. It's only 4 years old, has less than 30k miles on it, and has been kept in fantastic shape. This will officially be the youngest car I've ever owned, lol. We may not get it until spring, but considering how well everything else has worked out on its own, I think I will not stress about that detail.

In slightly weirder, ignore-this-if-you-want-to news, I dreamed about the baby. Definitely a girl with the chubbiest cheeks you've seen. (She's probably gonna have my cheek structure, poor thing.) Lots of sources - including my midwife - say that pregnant moms will often dream their babies with surprising accuracy. Hope so. :)

p.s. Believe it or not, I am 99% sure I felt the baby flutter-movement in the past few days. Very faint, can only feel it occasionally when I'm lying still and quiet at night, but I swear to you it is there. Crazy. :D

=O

Julie: "Now, 10 weeks is a little early, and we can't always find the heartbeat on doppler this week. So I don't want you to panic if we can't find it. It really is ok, nothing to be worried about."
She sticks the doppler wand on my tummy.
*whoosh whoosh*
"Hmm, that's you..."
She adjusts the wand.
*lub lub lub lub*
"That's you."
She moves the wand to the far side of my belly.
*lub lub lub lub*
"And that's still you..."
She slides the wand to the center and up a little.
*THUD-THUD THUD-THUD*
"There's baby."
Me: . . . !!!!!! *insert silent awe and wonder and amazement*

I cried. It was beautiful. Rick squeezed my leg. I know I probably said some really inadequate things about how neat it was, but really my brain was just soaking in the sound. I've heard moms talk about this moment over and over, and thought, "yeah, that would be really cool." But that doesn't even come close to describing the overwhelming.... EVERYTHING ... that hits you when you hear it and realize that is your baby; your very much alive little being swimming inside your body; that teensy thing who doesn't even weigh half an ounce yet has a fully-formed heart making that surprisingly loud thumping. I am in tears now just writing about it. So incredible.

Other than that, which is more than enough all by itself, my checkup was wonderful. Blood tests were lovely, will have to watch my thyroid (which mom says is exactly how she was). My cervix is healthy looking and a proper size. My nipples look great for breast feeding. My lungs and heart sound great, and all signs point to this being a normal, healthy pregnancy! Next appt. is the first week of Oct. and I'll be doing an early genetic screen the last week of Sept. to assess my risk of Down's. But since there are absolutely no occurrences of genetic problems - Down's, birth defects, nothing - in the family, I'm not terribly concerned. I doubt we'll do an amnio unless something comes up really funky. This screening is non-invasive. Finger prick blood test and an ultrasound. Done.

I am so incredibly happy. I feel like I'm gonna splode happiness all over everyone that gets near me. :D

HALLELUJAH FOR PLACENTAS!

For the first time since all the nausea started approx. 8 weeks ago, I FEEL HUMAN!

I'm still a teensy touch queasy, and talking about it makes it flare up, but overall it is leaps and bounds better today!  I woke up feeling a bit puky, chatted to Kari for an hour or so on the phone, and by the time we hung up I was already doing better. I gagged once today, but all it produced was an acidic bubble. I ate an entire meal for lunch, and it tasted good! And has stayed down w/no nausea!! Yay for baby producing its own hormones via the placenta! I figure another week or so, I should be out of the worst of it. WOO!

Also, today I am 10 weeks along. This is a big week, because I'm finally moving out of the miscarriage danger zone and will be able to hear baby's heartbeat on doppler (if we have another ultrasound soon, otherwise it will wait until 16 weeks or so). My next prenatal is Thursday, where I'll get the whole pelvic exam done. Feet in stirrups and poking and prodding at my uterus and all that fun stuff, whee. Might ask for a doppler anyway, just because I can.

For the first time in 2 months, I think maybe I will survive this whole shebang. It's definitely easier to have a positive outlook when you're not miserable w/hormones. :D

Gruesome Truths

I have been compiling lists of truths about 1st Trimester that are either not mentioned or are glossed over with a mere, "yeah, this can happen" type comment. This is all from my experience, and yes I am aware that every pregnancy is different. However, if you're planning on having a baby, you may want to pay attention.

INDIGESTION
What they tell you: You'll probably have it. Eat smaller meals more often. (Same advice they give for nausea.)
What really happens: This is NOT your average indigestion! It's one thing to eat a dense, heavy meal and have it sit there a couple hours. It's entirely different to eat a normal dinner and have it still there the next morning! I have spent evenings in bed charting the progression of my meal through my intestines. Not joking at all - I could feel it moving, inch by inch.

SALIVARY PRODUCTION
What they tell you: Often, mothers notice they produce more saliva. It may be linked to the nausea.
What really happens: Lying awake at night, trying to swallow enough times to clear your mouth long enough to fall asleep w/o drenching your pillow. Desperation can lead to mouth breathing in an attempt to dry out everything.

EXHAUSTION
What they tell you: You can feel really tired. Don't be surprised if you feel like you've run a marathon after only a few minutes of exertion.
What really happens: Nothing can prepare you for this level of exhaustion. Example: I slept close to 12 hrs one night, got up, dressed, ate breakfast, poked around online a few minutes, and was back in bed in less than 2 hrs. You will sleep forever once you can get comfy enough to zonk out. Then you will nap. Then you will not feel up to doing anything. Then you will nap more. Your pillow becomes your best friend. You will feel lazy, useless, worthless, and unable to do a damn thing about it most days.

TEETH
What they tell you: Get dental work done before you're pregnant or early on. Pregnancy can be hard on teeth.
What actually happens: I did not read nor receive any other info on this subject until out of the blue my tooth broke this past weekend. Suddenly I hear from several mothers that apparently quite a lot of moms lose a tooth every time they're pregnant. WTF!! Don't the baby books and pregnancy sites think that could be an important piece of info for a mom-to-be?? I know I'd have found that far more relevant than the 50 diatribes on what might possibly go wrong in utero but probably won't because they're rare conditions.

CONSTIPATION
What they tell you: This is very common. Get plenty of fiber and try not to eat too many foods that aggravate the condition.
What actually happens: Frankly, you eat what sounds good and is (hopefully) relatively nutritious. If that means cheese at every meal, you thank your lucky stars that you don't puke it up and can at least get some calcium and protein from it. When the constipation kicks in, ain't nothing moving that blockage before it's darn good and ready to move. If you strain, you get hemorrhoids. If you don't strain, you feel miserable. There is nothing I can think of to compare to the agony of waves of diarrhea cramps so bad you break out in a greasy sweat and want to vomit, and that damned blockage stubbornly refusing to move and release you from the torment. When you have spent an hour on the toilet and begun to mentally work out the logistics of a teeny version of a lifeguard hook that might be inserted to pull everything loose, you will know real constipation.

GAS
What they tell you: You will experience more gas production in your body. This is normal.
What actually happens: You will belch and fart quite a lot. Burping becomes your lifeline for avoiding a round of puking. You will fart in front of family, friends, and strangers and not care because the release of pressure from your belly is far more important than any odd stare or giggle.

URINATION
What they tell you: It can seem like you're peeing every 5 minutes!
What actually happens: Some days you will actually pee every 5 minutes.

DISGUSTING EVENTS
What they tell you: It's ok to discuss even the least socially acceptable aspects of what happens to your body with your doctor/midwife.
What actually happens: You will also find another mom with which to share the most viscous, corporeal, and gag-inducing stories that you'd never DREAM of sharing in polite company. And the other mom will commiserate and share horrific gross stories of her own. And it will give you both a laugh and a bond that nobody else quite gets until they've gone through it.

Things I Have Learned Recently

1. Going to see the last Harry Potter movie, while a wonderful break from sitting in the house, is probably not the best idea when you're full of pregnancy hormones and have read the books so you know what's going to happen and end up crying through the last hour of the movie.

2. After 2 days of puking up everything you eat, a movie theater hot dog can taste like manna from the heavens.

3. The only way to eat cottage cheese is on cheddar & sour cream Ruffles. Nom.

4. If caffeinated diet soda tastes good and stays down, I'm damn well going to drink it. To hell with the sodium and caffeine. At least there's no sugar.

5. Saltines can leave a really disgusting sour aftertaste when your sense of taste is screwed up.

6. Even with the nasty aftertaste, sometimes there's no substitute for a couple of saltines and plain water.

7. Never, EVER think that your misery can't get worse. The universe will slap you down just to show you it can.  It's amazing how much more tolerable my general nausea is now that I had those 2 days of constant puking...

8. Not pregnancy related, but the music video for Lady Gaga's "You & I" is fantastic.

9. Husbands need naps almost as bad as pregnant wives do.

10. I am still going to occasionally flip out a little bit when I'm struck by momentary panic that something feels "wrong" and it might be an early sign of miscarriage, even when it's nothing. Even when I've puked less than an hour before and have no good reason to think that way.

And finally, we've recently learned that our elder cat, Shady, tends to dole out affection in ratio to the size of poop he's just left in the litter box.  The bigger the dump, the lovier the kitty. And as he's now in my lap purring and demanding to be petted, I'd say we've got a doozy in there. >.<

Urp...

Oh god. I thought the nausea couldn't get much worse. Was I ever wrong.

Dinner Thursday was the last thing I've kept down. Nothing seems to want to stay. I've tried all kinds of stuff from eating normal food to soft foods to pb&j to ice cream to babying my tummy w/whatever sounds good. NOTHING works. If this keeps up, I'm calling Jana come Monday morning.

Why, oh darling baby that I want so dearly, why must you torment me so? Whose bright idea was it that procreation should be so miserable? I'm only fulfilling my genetic destiny here, so why not make it easier?? Damn you, evolution, that you haven't sorted this one out yet!

*off to puke more*

Stupid Stupidhead

I love my husband. He is considerate and sweet and wonderful and I wouldn't trade him.

So what do I do when I ask him to do housework... and he DOES it... and I end up wanting to burst into tears and punch a wall because I can't help? He went above and beyond what I asked him to do, and I just feel horrible that I'm not doing anything! I don't want to cry at him when he's being so fantastic! It's like I can't win. If nothing gets done, I cry over not feeling good enough to do anything. When Rick ends up working on it by himself, I cry over not feeling good enough to do anything. STUPID CRYING!!! STUPID HORMONES!!! GAHH!!

...Ok, sorry. Deep breath.

I know most of this is all the chemicals going crazy in my body right now. But I feel like I'm constantly whiny and useless. I am so nauseated that I can barely move out of the bed after lunch. (My morning sickness is mostly evening sickness - it gets worse as the day progresses.) So when I see my poor hubby sweating over a hot vacuum cleaner, the guilt creeps in. Yes, today he mostly worked on things I couldn't help with anyway, like moving some of his scrap wood into the shed that only he has the key to, and scrubbing out the kitty corner in the laundry room. It's still frustrating.

I take breaks from the bed to sit at the comp for as long as I can tolerate being upright. And what constructive use of that time, complaining to a baby blog. Go, me!

Pity party, my house, right now. You bring the shiny hats, I've got the confetti.

p.s. - Jamie, if the offer for those preggo pops still stands, I'll take you up on it. We went hunting for them locally and it seems our stores don't carry them. =(

BLAM!!

Holy gods, when I do something I do it ALL THE WAY.

I was living up to my motto of "Anything worth doing is worth doing to excess" a moment ago, as dinner came exploding out of me. From both ends. Simultaneously. Poor Rick is now trying to unclog the sink. Thank heavens he has a strong stomach. That was wretched.

Maybe the Tangler Burger (bacon cheeseburger w/fried onion strips) wasn't the best idea for dinner, no matter how good it sounded at the time?

I expected to relax with the stress reduction, not to erupt. *sigh* Commencer le vomissement, ah oui!

The Most Beautiful Thing I've Seen

Baby has a heartbeat.

Baby is alive, exactly the right size and age, looks healthy, and has a heartbeat. And I got to see it.

I can't remember the last time I've cried so hard from joy. Rick had to drive us home. I think he even cried a little.

I have printout photos of my little lump of baby. I will post copies as soon as I get them on my comp.

Best. Day. Ever. <3

Phew!

Feeling a bit less stressed now that the 1st visit is over. Mainly we went over our family and medical history again (they already have it on file from January, so that was quick), signed the consent forms for treatment, and discussed some questions and concerns. Jana is the best. Oh, and I had 3 vials of blood drawn for several tests. We got the ok for things sounding very normal, and she agrees that for now we have no reason to think this pregnancy will be anything but perfectly healthy.

She even said all this miserable nausea is for a good cause, because it means my hormones are rising like they should be. Thank god, because this is so much worse than last time. Even though I understand the sentiment, I still suppressed the split-second urge to punch her when she told me, "I hope you stay sick for a long time!" :)

Ultrasound tomorrow afternoon. All I ask for is one good, clear shot of a heartbeat. Show me a flutter and I will be content.

Feet And Other Unpleasant Smells

Everything is smelling and tasting weird to me since yesterday. My stomach is rebelling against the onslaught of nastiness. I'm eating saltines - SALTINES, mind you! - and they are leaving a bizarre, almost sour aftertaste in my mouth. And to top it off, today for some unexplained reason, everything smells like dirty feet. At one point, I started hunting around my desk to see if Kobe had left his dirty socks here. It's quite wretched, since I'd love to eat something to stop the nausea.

Anyone else ever had that happen? A sudden swap to smelling something gross no matter where you go?

I think I may go plug my nose and try to eat some lunch. And maybe take a shower, just in case. *gag*

*Poke* ...Ow.

Ahh, THERE'S the super sore boobs I remember. Nice of you to join us. A little forewarning might have been nice - not that I mind your visit at all, but sometimes knowing ahead can make a transition smoother. Instead of waking up to *SURPRISE! YOUR BREASTS ARE INSTANTLY AGONIZING!* 

Honestly, I'll try not to complain too much about it. I was settling into a rut of not feeling very pregnant. My symptoms have been blissfully mild (other than the constant exhaustion), and even the headaches and queasy have been settling down. The soreness upon waking yesterday felt like a "Yep, still here!" flag being waved to remind me that everything is going well.

According to the calculator thingy, I should be about 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant today. (I.E. baby is just over 3 weeks old.)  Naturally I want things to hurry up, but at the same time I am trying very hard to just enjoy now for what it is. After the last pregnancy, I am fine with things taking their time and being slow and as normal as possible.

Seriously, Do They Make Air Conditioned Underpants?

Dear lord, I can't cool off enough.

My body temp was so consistently high yesterday that if I even left the room w/the AC I'd start getting queasy from heat. I don't have a fever at all. I'm just really, really warm. I froze poor Kobe and Rick last night because I couldn't stand the room at less than full-blast AC. The kid even had to get an extra blanket, and he usually sleeps without one at all. While the two guys were bundled up, I was kicking the covers off and sweating. I felt bad for them, but not bad enough to turn the temp up. Ugh.

I just can't seem to get comfortably cool. It's very frustrating. Maybe I'll go take a lukewarm shower and see if I can drop my core temp a bit. So... freaking... hot... >.<

Questions And More Questions

Questions for all you ladies who have survived pregnancy at least once:

1. Ever had really weird symptoms? Or is that even a fair question, since almost everything that happens while you're pregnant is bizarre?  Things like loose stool when you "should" be constipated, breasts that only get sore on the nipple and don't seem to be swelling (just heavier), mild uterine stretching aches that last more than a week?  I don't find any of these things worrisome, just odd compared to everything I've read and been told.

2. What about REALLY WEIRD dreams in early pregnancy? I don't remember this happening last time, but I haven't slept well in a couple weeks now. Last night took the cake as what little fitful sleep I got was punctuated by long, recurring dreams of sleeping weird on my pillow in a million different ways. I felt like I was still awake the entire dream. It was awful. Plus I'm tossing and waking up constantly, even when I don't have to pee. It's not helping the constant fatigue during the day.

3. I know you can have food aversions, but what about foods that sound fantastic when you think about them... until you take a bite and almost gag?  I was craving a banana this morning, it sounded SOOOO good. So I got one, peeled and bit into it, and handed it off to my nephew to finish because I couldn't stand the taste of it. Normal?

4. I also know that heightened smell is normal. But have any of you experienced selective smell? I have noticed things like pine trees when I'm driving or a cat using the litter box from 2 rooms away, but sometimes I can't smell things near me that other people are complaining/commenting about without stopping and concentrating. Examples: Right now, the banana peel from this morning is in the wastebasket a few feet away and is threatening to make me vomit. But my dog's usually rancid gas barely phases me the past few days. Anyone else noticed this?

I think that's all for the moment. I'm nursing a tender tummy at the moment with the first actual morning sickness I've had yet. All my queasies so far have been afternoon/evening. I want to eat something, but food is not sounding too great. Maybe I'll go scrounge up some saltines.

Thanks in advance for any input. <3

Argh!

Ok, had forgotten about the peeing. Incessant peeing. TWICE in the night, and our only bathroom is downstairs. I was doing so well, too! Hadn't noticed too many extra trips until about yesterday. And I'm already tired of it. Bah.

My uterus keeps stretching and feeling like the weirdest cramps/aching ever. I don't remember this from last time, either, but that could be due to it happening when I was expecting my period in December before I had any inkling that I was pregnant.

I'm so over-sensitive to every little sensation down there this time around. It makes me nervous at times - every round of stretching begins with my panicked thought of, "Oh god, not real cramps, right?" - but all in all I'm glad for it. I'm actually feeling very connected to this pregnancy. Not that I didn't last time, but I know about this one from the start and Rick and I were both ready and excited for it. I am calmer and feeling much more patient this time. I will HAPPILY wait until past 6 weeks for an ultrasound this time. I want to see that heart flutter. I didn't get that last time, and it's super important to me now.

So ridiculously happy. :)

Baby 2.0!

As most of you already know, we are pregnant again! After another tense 6 months of trying, we managed to get those two pink lines on the test yesterday and again this morning. Hallelujah!

I was ready to give up, honestly. I wasn't sure how many more negative results I could stand, and the thought of fertility treatments left me cold. Needless to say, this is relieving, thrilling, exciting, and nerve-wracking. We just want this one to stick.


Funny side note, if conception happened on the 10th of July, I am due on April 1st. Our wedding anniversary AND April Fool's Day. Perfection. :)


My first appt. with the midwives is August 11th. Hopefully all will be well and this time around will be a normal, healthy pregnancy.  In the meanwhile, we would like to request that everyone please send as many "sticky" thoughts as possible. Super Glue, pine pitch, velcro, duct tape, spirit gum...  <3

Official Thumbs Up

Today, I had my follow up appointment w/Jana. And after talking through everything, she told me some very good news.

First off, she says that we have done all the right things in grieving and dealing with the miscarriage. (Jana sends a special hats-off to my mom who sent the plants.) She said that after talking with me, I sounded and seemed emotionally healthy, and that since physically I was back to "normal" I wouldn't even need an exam. It was gratifying to know that I'm not heartless or overly logical, and that my healing has been faster because we did all the things that help with recovery and did them well. Yes, I worried that I was being cold because of how quickly I moved through my grief. I'm nowhere near being over it, by any means, but all the little stuff has added up to a level of acceptance that I didn't expect this soon. Which is a good thing. I don't want to burst into tears if I walk past the aisle of diapers at the store.

Secondly, because I am emotionally and physically healthy, she thinks there is no reason in the world we should wait to try again. She agrees that I am ready to move forward, and if Rick and I are in agreement then we can go for it immediately and not wait at all.

For the record, it is very weird and also very refreshing to be asked direct questions like "Have you had sex since the miscarriage? How did it go for you?"

Lastly, she gave me a gift from both her and Julie - a leather-bound journal. Jana told me that both midwives would like me to journal about everything I feel and think and experience. She thought this baby blog was a great thing. But they do have a point. There are some things that I still will not share with the general public, and sometimes you just want to vent and not have it mean anything or be heard by anyone who might take it seriously. So I'll be dumping all my private, personal thoughts in there, and sharing everything else with this blog.

The only iffy spot was that I now hold the record for The Lowest Vitamin D Count That Jana Has Ever Seen.  BUT! I am now on 6000 IU's a day along with my prenatal vitamin, so that number should come up significantly by the next test when I'm pregnant again. I also have orders to spend 10 min a day in sunlight (whenever we have any) without sunscreen. Apparently, D deficiency is tied to some of the same things as PCOS - obesity, depression - and there are questions (but no answers) as to whether it contributes to miscarriage. At the very least, my count was way the hell too low, and I am working on correcting that.

We are trying again. If I get pregnant now, I could be having a Halloween-ish baby. That would be cool. :)

If, At First, You Don't Succeed...

...then skydiving is not for you.

On Friday the 21st, I lost the pregnancy. Most of you already know this. I felt I needed to continue this blog as a record - as it was intended - of our difficulties as well as the happy moments. And, believe it or not, there have been both in the last week. I decided I'd prefer to put all this down as part of our journey to parenthood, so that I don't have to constantly repeat myself. I know people are curious. It's human nature to wonder what happened. I do not begrudge any of you that instinct. It was a very personal experience, and I'm sure you can understand my not wanting to talk about it except on my own terms. So here is an outline of what we went through and learned.

Fact: Everyone tends to focus on the emotional impact of miscarriage. What they forget to tell you is IT HURTS LIKE A MOFO. Physically. You are in labor, for Pete's sake! And while it varies from woman to woman, for me the pain continued for 4 days afterward. Yes, really. Contractions off and on until the following Tuesday. It was salt in a wound; insult to injury. The only thing that helped me with this was the underlying biology, as follows.

Fact: The most likely explanation of why this pregnancy didn't take is blighted ovum. Non-viable egg means non-viable pregnancy. You'll note I'm not referring to it as a baby anymore. This is because there never was one. The egg likely never even made it past cells into zygote stage. Yes, it fertilized and implanted. Yes, I was pregnant. It even grew a teeny amniotic sac. But there was no baby inside. In some ways, this is both the most tragic and most reassuring part. In my case, this fact actually helped me heal from the loss sooner. Once I had mourned the potential that we'd assumed was there - the future baby, the parenting, the expectations of the whole experience that were now gone - my logical side asserted itself and reminded me there was no reason to wallow in grief over something that was never there to begin with. There was NOTHING that could have been done. I fired a blank. And there were several very good realizations that came out of this awful experience.

Fact: We can get pregnant. This news just by itself is huge! I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) which can often interfere with or even prevent conception. Rick is almost 40; I will be 35 this year. Those numbers do not rule us out for conceiving, but also do not improve our chances. We had many less-than-optimal factors and even my doctor telling us that we shouldn't stress out if we don't manage to get pregnant even after a year of actively trying (i.e. charting basal temps, scheduling around ovulation, etc.). All we did was lose the contraceptives, and we managed to conceive in 6 months. This is fantastic news. That's a normal time line for even a younger, perfectly healthy couple! So there is no reason to think that our next attempt will be less than successful.

Fact: If you take into consideration all the pregnancies that never make it past a few weeks and thus are never even known about, somewhere around half of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. If you strip that down to just the ones that are reported - got a positive test result and know they are pregnant - the numbers are still about 25% miscarried. No joke, 1 in 4 are lost. These are stats from my doctor and midwives, I do not make this up. The good news here? Of those 25 in 100, 80% will go on to have a perfectly healthy, normal 2nd pregnancy.  That drops the chance of a 2nd miscarriage down to a mere 5%. I find that very hopeful and reassuring.

Fact: There is no real evidence to show that waiting past multiple menstrual cycles reduces the chance of a 2nd miscarriage. Yes, some doctors recommend waiting. I think that often depends on the individual situation. If you've had a D&C, or had a later term miscarriage, by all means you should probably wait until your body returns to normal. Uterus needs to shrink, hormone levels need to get back to non-pregnant state. However, if, like in our case: we had an early term, natural miscarriage; my body took care of itself; my hormones didn't have so far to go and everything looks to be back to pre-pregnant state... so long as the person has truly dealt with their grief and issues over losing the previous pregnancy, there is no other reason to have to wait to try again. It does not increase or decrease our chances at a normal 2nd try if we don't wait. Which brings me to the final point.

Fact: After adjusting to the idea of an impending baby, Rick realized that he was truly excited and looking forward to being a father. I realized how very ready I am for this - even more than I thought I was before we got the positive test. We know we can be good parents. And we are ready to go for it. This takes away a load of the fears and concerns of not knowing how we'd react. We do know, and we're both anticipating parenthood with a positive outlook now.

My point of all this? We're going to try again. This blog will stick around. I may not post as often until we conceive again, but by golly we're not giving up. When I get pregnant again, you will all hear about it. I am not going to keep the news to myself or pretend I'm not pregnant until after the first trimester. We've waited far too long for this to not want to share it with everyone.

To all of you who sent messages, emails, notes, and love - Thank you. I may have been a hermit for most of the week, but knowing I had that bear hug of love and support surrounding my home made it just a little easier to deal with each day. I love you all, and appreciate you more than you know. <3

Also, to whomever left the anonymous bouquet of flowers on our doorstep, they are lovely and we are very touched by your kindness. <3

Status update

Linnea had her second blood test Friday afternoon, and the hormone level is way too low. According to one of our CNMs that means miscarriage - it's just a question of when. She told us that about 25% of pregnancies end with miscarriage, and the percentage is higher for first timers.

Linnea asked me to post this because she's not up to telling everyone. Right now we need to grieve and deal with this. Please think good thoughts for us, and watch this space for further updates.

And Worse.

Things are bad. Very bad. Please keep us in your thoughts, no matter the outcome.

I probably won't be particularly social until this is all resolved. I will post again when we have an answer; likely not before tomorrow evening, and in a worst-case scenario, not until I feel like it.

Right now, I don't want to discuss it further. I want to spend quiet time with Rick and our animals and get through the next hours. Thank you all for your support and consideration. <3

Better And Worse And Better Again

I called Julie yesterday to discuss the ultrasound. She agreed w/the tech that it looked like a 5 week pregnancy. So we hashed and rehashed dates, trying to work out how that could be possible with a positive home test on Jan. 3rd. She did tell me that if we were just way off with the dates, this looks completely normal and healthy and right on track for where it should be.

Then the bad news. If we are NOT off with dates, it could be a pregnancy that simply didn't thrive.  Which, naturally, upset me a bit and made me even more nervous. So we discussed options. One was to wait 2 weeks, have another ultrasound, and see what happens in the interim. She didn't think I was going to last that long without some kind of answer. Option two was to do 2 blood draws 48 hrs apart to make sure my hormone levels are appropriate and doubling.

I went in yesterday afternoon for my first blood draw. Friday is the second, and should let us know what's going on a little more clearly. In the meanwhile, I talked to Rick about the whole thing, and he reminded me that yes, we DID fool around on Christmas Day. (In Julie's words, "Men always remember!") It eased my mind greatly to remember that, because that would put us exactly in range of the ultrasound dates if my cycle was wonky and I ovulated late. If we conceived on xmas, that would bump the dates back 1 day and possibly account for the positive home test. Would still be on the really early side for getting a reading, but all those tests need are enough hormones to register. Generally it's 10 days after conception, but 8 could do it if I produced enough.

I was feeling much better about the whole thing... until I started having dark spotting. Now, I know very well that it is completely normal and ok to have some spotting, especially between weeks 4 and 8. Especially after having an internal ultrasound. But this, on top of all the other stress, only served to bring on a minor flip-out and more nerves. I ended up awake in the wee hours, looking up information online. Which completely agreed with the logical side of my brain, saying so long as it wasn't bright red, productive flow, or accompanied by cramps, I'm probably fine. Mention it to the midwives, but stop fussing. Shortly after that, it eased up. Seems to be fine today.

For all of you chuckling or rolling your eyes in remembrance of first pregnancies, believe me when I say I KNOW I'm being silly. I am a first time mama and don't know what to expect. We want this baby so much that I worry too much over what could go wrong. I am aware. And someday I will look back on this blog and giggle at myself, while holding a perfectly healthy, full-term baby. Please indulge my worries for now, and be patient. I'm learning as I go. <3

Ultrasound = Ultraconfused

Ok, so here it goes.

We had the ultrasound yesterday. Had a nice, full bladder and everything. The tech got a look at my uterus, and decided that we'd need the internal ultrasound as well. A trip to the bathroom, a sheet for my lower body, and an intimidating wand later, we got a closer look.

THE GOOD NEWS:
I am definitely pregnant! We saw the amniotic sac!
It is a single, no twins. I get to stay w/the midwives!
Pregnancy looks normal. No ectopic pregnancies or anything abnormal showing in my uterus or ovaries.
I'm definitely due after my birthday! Although that does mean I'll be huge for it...

THE WEIRD NEWS:
According to the measurements of the sac, the estimate was 5 weeks, 2 days pregnant. Which means 3 week old baby. Which I know for a fact isn't right. I am positive we conceived before xmas. That estimate would put conception at Dec. 26th. That sperm had to have hung around for a longer-than-average time for that to happen. Not impossible, but unlikely. Plus my cycle was already late by Dec. 24th. And there's no way that I got a positive home pregnancy test 8 days after conceiving!  We looked up the accuracy of early ultrasound and found out that even though it's usually the most accurate one of the pregnancy, it still has a margin of error of around 1.2 weeks. Which, added to the estimate, would be closer to the dates I suspect we conceived (Dec. 14-20). The tech said that since we were originally thinking 8 weeks pregnant (outside the margin of error), I'd want to talk to the midwives and see how my blood work comes back. The hormone levels should give us a better idea when put together with the information and the ultrasound.

We went in for answers, and ended up more confused than when we started. We did get those few answers, however, and since they are the ones most important to baby's and mama's health, we'll take it as a good thing. Oh, and my due date is officially in the first half of September.  The 18th by the ultrasound estimate. And no earlier than the 5th. Narrowing it down!  I'm planning on calling the midwives in a little bit, so I'll blog more as I learn things.

Off to take care of poor hubby who had a root canal this morning!

Our Baby Box

I am nervous. Completely wound up over this ultrasound. So, as an attempt to keep myself busy, I thought I'd blog about our baby box.

This is it! I figured I could catalog the contents here, in case anyone was curious what we've already picked up.

- 10 Onesies: red, brown stripe, turtle pattern, red adjustable, red stripe long sleeve, pack of 5 white.
- 2 Sleep sacks
- 1 Pajama sleeper, green stripe
- 2 Pants, yellow and green
- 2 Shirts, blue and white
- 6 Pairs of Socks, white, gray stripe
- 1 Sweater, green
- Lavender scented baby powder
- Rubber Duckie
- 2 Stuffed animals, dog and bear
- Baby spoons
- Crochet lightweight afghan

There are also a pair of red velvet dress shoes for a toddler and the tshirt my mom made for me at age 3 (yes, that would be wayyyyyy back in the 1970's) that says "Super Linnea".

Other than those things, I am currently working on knit and crochet projects as follows:
- Large red afghan
- Leggings
- Cable knit pullover sweater
- Jacket
- Sun hat
- Booties

My mother has already picked up a Snugli sling for us. She and my stepfather have graciously offered to acquire a crib for us, as well. Ketchup has offered her all-in-one playpen/bassinet/changing pad.  Dangerbutt is crocheting a blankie also.

And that's where we are.

Now, I know it is extremely uncouth to discuss gifts when you are the one on the receiving end. But let's be honest here: people give baby gifts. They love being a part of that new life, and I love the idea of having that little reminder of their kindness to help get through the first few months of new motherhood.  That said, in my typical manner of being nothing less than direct, I will tell you all that *if* you are thinking about giving us a baby gift, or want ideas for the future baby shower (Dangerbutt and Sunshine are in charge of that, btw), then please feel free to use this list as a starting point. We have no receiving blankets/burp cloths, bibs, layettes, gloves, newborn hats, or pacifiers. Gift certificates are absolutely welcome. And please understand - we do not expect gifts. We are just trying to balance etiquette with realism. I'm a person who would rather know up front - I don't find it offensive to have someone tell me what they need so that I can give them a gift that is useful and wanted. I'm gonna give them that gift anyway, or I wouldn't be asking. So why not give them something they need? That's where this is coming from; please understand I wouldn't be tacky if I didn't believe it to be more sensible than being polite in this case.

Those of you who have been moms, feel free to comment here with ideas of what I might like to have or can't live without. I am open to suggestions and appreciate your expertise!

Well, that killed half an hour. Yay! If I go shower, then take my time getting ready, that should knock out another 30-45. Rick should be home by then, and Shady's vet appointment is at 3pm, which should work out.... perfectly!

Oh, My Aching Bladder

I am beginning to think I might be a week or two further along than originally suspected. My morning/evening sickness is getting worse, though I'm still not throwing up. Today I've been very ambivalent to food, other than the glass of chocolate milk I just drank that was heavenly. Things are acting like I'm closer to the 9 or 10 week mark (7-8 week baby). I sure hope so.

I waver back and forth on this. On the one hand, there is a history of women in my family being pregnant an entire month earlier than they realize, because they have a full period (not just spotting) AFTER becoming pregnant. On the other hand, the test I took mid-December was negative. I might not have the same genetics, and tests can be wrong. So who knows? Guess we'll find out soon enough...

Tomorrow is the big first ultrasound! Wooooooo! I should have more news by tomorrow night. My appt. isn't until 4:30pm, and my mother has already called dibs on first-to-know. Blog will just have to wait.

Wish us luck! (And a full bladder so I don't have to get the internal ultrasound!)

*Twiddling Thumbs*

Nothing much to report today. Insides still yucky, but nausea is down. Eating normally again; still on heavy fluid intake.

Today feels like one of those unfortunate wasted days spent mainly getting through the day. One day closer to ultrasound, one day closer to baby. I'm trying so hard to be good and eat/drink what I should and not allow myself to slip any more than reasonable... I know poor little tadpole only gets one shot at the first 8-10 weeks of development, and they're the most important weeks of the whole pregnancy. So I'm working hard to control the bad cravings and feed the good ones. Let me tell you, it sucks. I have gone almost a week without desserts. Last Monday or so, Rick and I had milkshakes at Cold Stone. That was the last one. Other than the sugar in the ginger ale that saved my stomach last week, I don't think I've had anything with added sugar. And sometimes I think I could KILL for another milkshake.

In other news, mom reports that she and my stepdad are taking on the crib purchase! Yay!  And Rick and I looked into some options with the house that would let us out from under the last of our debt! If all goes well, we could be in fantastic shape by spring, all ready to home-improve and focus on the tadpole!

I guess there was some good from today. Rick agreed that his dental work was important so that he could stop hurting and be fully present for the kiddo. :)

Waiting Is The Hardest Part

I'm feeling better today. While I'm not 100%, this is still a HUGE improvement over the past 48 hours. Food is staying down and the nausea is under control. Not too sure about the other end yet, since nothing has happened yet today. I'm no doctor, but I am gonna go out on a limb here and say this is because my body put me through an involuntary colon cleanse, and I haven't eaten enough to create anything new. Emotionally, I feel bad for skipping rehearsals, but honestly, I wasn't gonna make it through the night. Not even for 2 hours. It was a relief that they canceled because of the driving conditions.  I won't be going tonight, either. I don't trust my bowels - not even as far as I could throw them. Were they not attached. And I didn't need them to live and all. You know.

The good part was finding out that so long as I didn't dehydrate, the baby was in no danger.

Right now I'm caught up in this ugly cycle of "hurry up and wait." Make sure I'm doing all these things correctly today, so that next fall goes smoothly. Eat this, not that. Don't take these pills, but these are ok. Be sure to do all these things immediately! You'll find out eventually if it did any good. Grr. And then there's the short-term waiting. 4 more days until my ultrasound. Another 2 weeks after that until my next checkup at the clinic. 3 more months until we can know gender. A month after that until it moves. A month after that before I'll even really be obviously pregnant (showing). GRR!  I know I need to relax and enjoy it, but I am not a patient person. Never have been. I just want... something to happen, NOW.  *sigh* 

I plan on filling as much time as possible with the important things: baby shopping, house planning, and video games.

G.I. Flu and You!

I am SO not talking about the military here.

Horrible evening, worse night, still pretty crappy morning. By 6pm, there was gas pain and massive nausea. 7pm I had a SEVERE bout of diarrhea, and right afterward puked my guts out. By 9pm I was on the phone to the midwifes to find out if I should be concerned, as it wasn't abating. A short conversation later revealed I most likely have some gastrointestinal flu bug or something similar. It was a relief to know it wasn't a complication, but dang... And within a few minutes of that, I was puking again. It is ... unfortunate ... when the most solid things to exit one's body since yesterday afternoon are the doughy remains of pizza crust from dinner.  This cycle happened every few hours throughout the night.

On a side note here: I have no problem being completely blunt. I will tell you about my bowel movements and rounds of vomit and other less-than-appropriate-for-polite-company items. I will likely say something that is too visceral for some of you. Consider yourself warned. If you can't handle biology and body functions, this blog is probably not for you.

Anyhoo.

Now I am feeling miserable. I can't lie down because of the lower back pain. I can't move around for the nausea. I can't eat yet, tho I did get one cracker down that hasn't come back up. I don't want to get too far away from the bathroom because the diarrhea hasn't stopped, and frankly I can't even pass gas for the same reason! It's frustrating because I can't take anything to stop this, other than a pill for gas. I'm exhausted and feeling like hell.

Anyone who wants to take pity on me and bring over fruit juice or applesauce (and rub my back if you're really kind!) is welcome at my house. I usually try not to harass friends with these kinds of requests, but I'm home alone today and don't have a plethora of options. I would love some low sugar or sugar free juice. Apple or grape or, well, pretty much anything right now.

According to Jana (the midwife) yesterday, morning sickness usually peaks somewhere around weeks 8-10. Which is about where I'm heading right now.

I'm nervous about taking my prenatal vitamin, since it's supposed to go down w/food and can upset the stomach if you don't. Ugh. Just what I need.

Sorry for being whiny and complaining, but this is where I am today. And now, I better go hit the bathroom again to see if my insides have dried up yet. *cry*

Quick update: Talked to Jana again, she discussed my illness with Julie and found out there is rotavirus going around right now. While it's not common in adults, it fits my symptoms perfectly.  Folks, wash your hands and anything that goes in your mouth. I am a habitual hand washer and still got this crap. TRUST ME, you don't want this.
Also, Ketchup brought me grape juice and apple sauce and I cried. THANK YOU AGAIN! <3

Hiccups and Startle Effects

I learned something new and helpful last night whilst watching Rick play Alan Wake on the 360... pregnancy and survival horror are not a good combo. Good to know.

Big day today! 

- I had my first workout since we found out about the baby.  Made it an easy one, since I need to be more aware of my body and its responses to the machines, but it felt good. Well, for the most part. I had an ugly bout of morning sickness, so I was grateful for the stretching and water post-workout. Especially for the part when I stopped moving around. Geh.

- We visited a house for sale. We discussed options for living arrangements. At first, both of us were reluctant to give up certain personal spaces in this house (both of us do need some 'me' space), which led to the discussion of how this house might not work for raising a small child.  So we looked around, and scheduled an appt to see a house a few blocks away. There were a lot of good things about it... and some really bad things. But the best thing about the experience was both of us coming to the realization that our house is in better shape and worth a LOT more than we thought, so why not do some serious brainstorming and plotting and make it work? We sat down over lunch and discussed our thoughts. Found out we were thinking exactly the same things and were completely on the same page. Now we're happy with an outline of how to stay where we are but get what we want. If the perfect house shows up, great! Otherwise, we're gonna make this one as perfect as we can. Felt good to be so in sync with each other.

- First appointment at our clinic!  YAY!  We just love these 2 ladies. Sounds like things are progressing normally for me, and we have no reason to be worried so far. Had to pee in a cup and have my blood drawn, but somehow it didn't bother me quite as much as usual. Probably because I'm willing to do just about anything to make sure this baby is as healthy as possible. Even if it means facing down needles a few times. (Did I really just say that? Ew.) My ultrasound is scheduled for next week, so we can get a better idea of fetal age and see whether or not there are twins.

Other than that, I'm hormonal. Weepy, cranky, puky, you name it. Today is the worst queasiness I've had since the day I puked. Can't seem to get my tummy to calm down. I'll go drink something bubbly and see if that helps. I've also had hiccups for the 2nd time this week. I rarely get them, thus I've noticed. I wonder if that's part of pregnancy, or just a side effect of icky tummy and prenatal vitamins? Hmm. Any which way, I'm SO glad I don't have rehearsal tonight! Pretty sure Shakespeare never intended Balthazar to barf in the middle of "Sigh no more, ladies." But then, he also probably never intended Balthazar to be played by a pregnant woman. Or a woman at all. You know, whatever.

Ok, Rick just cooked something, and the smell is driving my stomach bonkers, and not in a good way. Yuk. Better get farther away from the kitchen.

Baby's First Blog

On January 3, 2011, Rick and I got the best surprise of our lives. We're expecting!

I am that dorky new pregnant lady that took a phone picture of the positive pregnancy test and texted it to a handful of close friends (all the ones that would kill me for not telling them right away, or at least I tried. I was a bit in shock and I think I missed a couple.) "Hey, look what my pee did! Two pink lines!"  

Rick is the dorky soon-to-be-first-time-dad who was happy, then panicked and kept himself awake all night worrying.

Per the request of a couple friends, we are starting this blog to record our thoughts, complaints, excitement, and other typical new parent stuff, as well as to have one dumping point for lists of names, supplies, appointments, and so on, in a manner where friends and family can stay informed and comment, assist, or point and laugh. Whichever is most appropriate.

We have our first prenatal visit tomorrow with our CNM. (That's Certified Nurse Midwife for those not aware.) I feel very strongly about having a midwife and having more control over my pregnancy and birth, because we're only planning on doing this once. I want the complete experience with as few regrets as possible. This first appointment is the "orientation" visit for their clinic as well as my first baby checkup. I can't wait. I'm hoping they ask for an early ultrasound. If they don't, I will. I don't know exactly when I conceived and I can't remember my last period dates. Sometime in November. Which doesn't help at all, because my cycle is completely irregular. Long story short, I could be anywhere from 4 weeks (fetal age) to 8 weeks. (Oh, on a side note, I prefer to use fetal age and will do so unless otherwise specified. Counting your pregnancy from 2 or 3 weeks before you become pregnant makes no sense at all to me, especially w/my irregular cycle.) Anyhoo, I want the ultrasound - even if it IS the icky internal one - just to get some idea how far along I truly am. And for the other major reason.

Twins.

They run in my family on the Springer side. I found out last summer that there's a pretty good chance they ran on my paternal side as well. It is my generation for them to happen again. Of the three of us in this generation, one isn't having children, one had 3 singles... and then there's me. So I VERY MUCH want to know ahead of time. We won't know gender or anything yet, just whether or not there are two babies in there and the size.

I won't regale you all with the 50 million emotions running through me every minute of the day. I guarantee you can google "first pregnancy" and get a pretty good idea. I am taking it all in stride like any other first timer and have every nervous and excited emotion to go with it. Please know that we are thrilled about this baby. It was very much wanted and definitely on purpose. I am ecstatically happy.

I am pretty tired of peeing every 15 minutes, however.

My morning sickness has been blessedly light, and mostly in the evenings. Works out better; that's when Rick's home to bring me water and crackers and make sure my trash can by the bed is empty in case of emergency. He's such a love. I will say, I'm hoping I'm closer to the 8 week mark, because that will put me most of the way through my 1st trimester. I am SO looking forward to having energy and feeling better.

I'll get a rundown of our baby box contents on here at some point soon, so that folks will know what we have and what to clean out of their baby storage and pass on to us. 

In the meanwhile, we love hearing from you all. We welcome comments, suggestions, opinions, even advice!  More blogging soon! <3