If, At First, You Don't Succeed...

...then skydiving is not for you.

On Friday the 21st, I lost the pregnancy. Most of you already know this. I felt I needed to continue this blog as a record - as it was intended - of our difficulties as well as the happy moments. And, believe it or not, there have been both in the last week. I decided I'd prefer to put all this down as part of our journey to parenthood, so that I don't have to constantly repeat myself. I know people are curious. It's human nature to wonder what happened. I do not begrudge any of you that instinct. It was a very personal experience, and I'm sure you can understand my not wanting to talk about it except on my own terms. So here is an outline of what we went through and learned.

Fact: Everyone tends to focus on the emotional impact of miscarriage. What they forget to tell you is IT HURTS LIKE A MOFO. Physically. You are in labor, for Pete's sake! And while it varies from woman to woman, for me the pain continued for 4 days afterward. Yes, really. Contractions off and on until the following Tuesday. It was salt in a wound; insult to injury. The only thing that helped me with this was the underlying biology, as follows.

Fact: The most likely explanation of why this pregnancy didn't take is blighted ovum. Non-viable egg means non-viable pregnancy. You'll note I'm not referring to it as a baby anymore. This is because there never was one. The egg likely never even made it past cells into zygote stage. Yes, it fertilized and implanted. Yes, I was pregnant. It even grew a teeny amniotic sac. But there was no baby inside. In some ways, this is both the most tragic and most reassuring part. In my case, this fact actually helped me heal from the loss sooner. Once I had mourned the potential that we'd assumed was there - the future baby, the parenting, the expectations of the whole experience that were now gone - my logical side asserted itself and reminded me there was no reason to wallow in grief over something that was never there to begin with. There was NOTHING that could have been done. I fired a blank. And there were several very good realizations that came out of this awful experience.

Fact: We can get pregnant. This news just by itself is huge! I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) which can often interfere with or even prevent conception. Rick is almost 40; I will be 35 this year. Those numbers do not rule us out for conceiving, but also do not improve our chances. We had many less-than-optimal factors and even my doctor telling us that we shouldn't stress out if we don't manage to get pregnant even after a year of actively trying (i.e. charting basal temps, scheduling around ovulation, etc.). All we did was lose the contraceptives, and we managed to conceive in 6 months. This is fantastic news. That's a normal time line for even a younger, perfectly healthy couple! So there is no reason to think that our next attempt will be less than successful.

Fact: If you take into consideration all the pregnancies that never make it past a few weeks and thus are never even known about, somewhere around half of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. If you strip that down to just the ones that are reported - got a positive test result and know they are pregnant - the numbers are still about 25% miscarried. No joke, 1 in 4 are lost. These are stats from my doctor and midwives, I do not make this up. The good news here? Of those 25 in 100, 80% will go on to have a perfectly healthy, normal 2nd pregnancy.  That drops the chance of a 2nd miscarriage down to a mere 5%. I find that very hopeful and reassuring.

Fact: There is no real evidence to show that waiting past multiple menstrual cycles reduces the chance of a 2nd miscarriage. Yes, some doctors recommend waiting. I think that often depends on the individual situation. If you've had a D&C, or had a later term miscarriage, by all means you should probably wait until your body returns to normal. Uterus needs to shrink, hormone levels need to get back to non-pregnant state. However, if, like in our case: we had an early term, natural miscarriage; my body took care of itself; my hormones didn't have so far to go and everything looks to be back to pre-pregnant state... so long as the person has truly dealt with their grief and issues over losing the previous pregnancy, there is no other reason to have to wait to try again. It does not increase or decrease our chances at a normal 2nd try if we don't wait. Which brings me to the final point.

Fact: After adjusting to the idea of an impending baby, Rick realized that he was truly excited and looking forward to being a father. I realized how very ready I am for this - even more than I thought I was before we got the positive test. We know we can be good parents. And we are ready to go for it. This takes away a load of the fears and concerns of not knowing how we'd react. We do know, and we're both anticipating parenthood with a positive outlook now.

My point of all this? We're going to try again. This blog will stick around. I may not post as often until we conceive again, but by golly we're not giving up. When I get pregnant again, you will all hear about it. I am not going to keep the news to myself or pretend I'm not pregnant until after the first trimester. We've waited far too long for this to not want to share it with everyone.

To all of you who sent messages, emails, notes, and love - Thank you. I may have been a hermit for most of the week, but knowing I had that bear hug of love and support surrounding my home made it just a little easier to deal with each day. I love you all, and appreciate you more than you know. <3

Also, to whomever left the anonymous bouquet of flowers on our doorstep, they are lovely and we are very touched by your kindness. <3

Status update

Linnea had her second blood test Friday afternoon, and the hormone level is way too low. According to one of our CNMs that means miscarriage - it's just a question of when. She told us that about 25% of pregnancies end with miscarriage, and the percentage is higher for first timers.

Linnea asked me to post this because she's not up to telling everyone. Right now we need to grieve and deal with this. Please think good thoughts for us, and watch this space for further updates.

And Worse.

Things are bad. Very bad. Please keep us in your thoughts, no matter the outcome.

I probably won't be particularly social until this is all resolved. I will post again when we have an answer; likely not before tomorrow evening, and in a worst-case scenario, not until I feel like it.

Right now, I don't want to discuss it further. I want to spend quiet time with Rick and our animals and get through the next hours. Thank you all for your support and consideration. <3

Better And Worse And Better Again

I called Julie yesterday to discuss the ultrasound. She agreed w/the tech that it looked like a 5 week pregnancy. So we hashed and rehashed dates, trying to work out how that could be possible with a positive home test on Jan. 3rd. She did tell me that if we were just way off with the dates, this looks completely normal and healthy and right on track for where it should be.

Then the bad news. If we are NOT off with dates, it could be a pregnancy that simply didn't thrive.  Which, naturally, upset me a bit and made me even more nervous. So we discussed options. One was to wait 2 weeks, have another ultrasound, and see what happens in the interim. She didn't think I was going to last that long without some kind of answer. Option two was to do 2 blood draws 48 hrs apart to make sure my hormone levels are appropriate and doubling.

I went in yesterday afternoon for my first blood draw. Friday is the second, and should let us know what's going on a little more clearly. In the meanwhile, I talked to Rick about the whole thing, and he reminded me that yes, we DID fool around on Christmas Day. (In Julie's words, "Men always remember!") It eased my mind greatly to remember that, because that would put us exactly in range of the ultrasound dates if my cycle was wonky and I ovulated late. If we conceived on xmas, that would bump the dates back 1 day and possibly account for the positive home test. Would still be on the really early side for getting a reading, but all those tests need are enough hormones to register. Generally it's 10 days after conception, but 8 could do it if I produced enough.

I was feeling much better about the whole thing... until I started having dark spotting. Now, I know very well that it is completely normal and ok to have some spotting, especially between weeks 4 and 8. Especially after having an internal ultrasound. But this, on top of all the other stress, only served to bring on a minor flip-out and more nerves. I ended up awake in the wee hours, looking up information online. Which completely agreed with the logical side of my brain, saying so long as it wasn't bright red, productive flow, or accompanied by cramps, I'm probably fine. Mention it to the midwives, but stop fussing. Shortly after that, it eased up. Seems to be fine today.

For all of you chuckling or rolling your eyes in remembrance of first pregnancies, believe me when I say I KNOW I'm being silly. I am a first time mama and don't know what to expect. We want this baby so much that I worry too much over what could go wrong. I am aware. And someday I will look back on this blog and giggle at myself, while holding a perfectly healthy, full-term baby. Please indulge my worries for now, and be patient. I'm learning as I go. <3

Ultrasound = Ultraconfused

Ok, so here it goes.

We had the ultrasound yesterday. Had a nice, full bladder and everything. The tech got a look at my uterus, and decided that we'd need the internal ultrasound as well. A trip to the bathroom, a sheet for my lower body, and an intimidating wand later, we got a closer look.

THE GOOD NEWS:
I am definitely pregnant! We saw the amniotic sac!
It is a single, no twins. I get to stay w/the midwives!
Pregnancy looks normal. No ectopic pregnancies or anything abnormal showing in my uterus or ovaries.
I'm definitely due after my birthday! Although that does mean I'll be huge for it...

THE WEIRD NEWS:
According to the measurements of the sac, the estimate was 5 weeks, 2 days pregnant. Which means 3 week old baby. Which I know for a fact isn't right. I am positive we conceived before xmas. That estimate would put conception at Dec. 26th. That sperm had to have hung around for a longer-than-average time for that to happen. Not impossible, but unlikely. Plus my cycle was already late by Dec. 24th. And there's no way that I got a positive home pregnancy test 8 days after conceiving!  We looked up the accuracy of early ultrasound and found out that even though it's usually the most accurate one of the pregnancy, it still has a margin of error of around 1.2 weeks. Which, added to the estimate, would be closer to the dates I suspect we conceived (Dec. 14-20). The tech said that since we were originally thinking 8 weeks pregnant (outside the margin of error), I'd want to talk to the midwives and see how my blood work comes back. The hormone levels should give us a better idea when put together with the information and the ultrasound.

We went in for answers, and ended up more confused than when we started. We did get those few answers, however, and since they are the ones most important to baby's and mama's health, we'll take it as a good thing. Oh, and my due date is officially in the first half of September.  The 18th by the ultrasound estimate. And no earlier than the 5th. Narrowing it down!  I'm planning on calling the midwives in a little bit, so I'll blog more as I learn things.

Off to take care of poor hubby who had a root canal this morning!

Our Baby Box

I am nervous. Completely wound up over this ultrasound. So, as an attempt to keep myself busy, I thought I'd blog about our baby box.

This is it! I figured I could catalog the contents here, in case anyone was curious what we've already picked up.

- 10 Onesies: red, brown stripe, turtle pattern, red adjustable, red stripe long sleeve, pack of 5 white.
- 2 Sleep sacks
- 1 Pajama sleeper, green stripe
- 2 Pants, yellow and green
- 2 Shirts, blue and white
- 6 Pairs of Socks, white, gray stripe
- 1 Sweater, green
- Lavender scented baby powder
- Rubber Duckie
- 2 Stuffed animals, dog and bear
- Baby spoons
- Crochet lightweight afghan

There are also a pair of red velvet dress shoes for a toddler and the tshirt my mom made for me at age 3 (yes, that would be wayyyyyy back in the 1970's) that says "Super Linnea".

Other than those things, I am currently working on knit and crochet projects as follows:
- Large red afghan
- Leggings
- Cable knit pullover sweater
- Jacket
- Sun hat
- Booties

My mother has already picked up a Snugli sling for us. She and my stepfather have graciously offered to acquire a crib for us, as well. Ketchup has offered her all-in-one playpen/bassinet/changing pad.  Dangerbutt is crocheting a blankie also.

And that's where we are.

Now, I know it is extremely uncouth to discuss gifts when you are the one on the receiving end. But let's be honest here: people give baby gifts. They love being a part of that new life, and I love the idea of having that little reminder of their kindness to help get through the first few months of new motherhood.  That said, in my typical manner of being nothing less than direct, I will tell you all that *if* you are thinking about giving us a baby gift, or want ideas for the future baby shower (Dangerbutt and Sunshine are in charge of that, btw), then please feel free to use this list as a starting point. We have no receiving blankets/burp cloths, bibs, layettes, gloves, newborn hats, or pacifiers. Gift certificates are absolutely welcome. And please understand - we do not expect gifts. We are just trying to balance etiquette with realism. I'm a person who would rather know up front - I don't find it offensive to have someone tell me what they need so that I can give them a gift that is useful and wanted. I'm gonna give them that gift anyway, or I wouldn't be asking. So why not give them something they need? That's where this is coming from; please understand I wouldn't be tacky if I didn't believe it to be more sensible than being polite in this case.

Those of you who have been moms, feel free to comment here with ideas of what I might like to have or can't live without. I am open to suggestions and appreciate your expertise!

Well, that killed half an hour. Yay! If I go shower, then take my time getting ready, that should knock out another 30-45. Rick should be home by then, and Shady's vet appointment is at 3pm, which should work out.... perfectly!

Oh, My Aching Bladder

I am beginning to think I might be a week or two further along than originally suspected. My morning/evening sickness is getting worse, though I'm still not throwing up. Today I've been very ambivalent to food, other than the glass of chocolate milk I just drank that was heavenly. Things are acting like I'm closer to the 9 or 10 week mark (7-8 week baby). I sure hope so.

I waver back and forth on this. On the one hand, there is a history of women in my family being pregnant an entire month earlier than they realize, because they have a full period (not just spotting) AFTER becoming pregnant. On the other hand, the test I took mid-December was negative. I might not have the same genetics, and tests can be wrong. So who knows? Guess we'll find out soon enough...

Tomorrow is the big first ultrasound! Wooooooo! I should have more news by tomorrow night. My appt. isn't until 4:30pm, and my mother has already called dibs on first-to-know. Blog will just have to wait.

Wish us luck! (And a full bladder so I don't have to get the internal ultrasound!)

*Twiddling Thumbs*

Nothing much to report today. Insides still yucky, but nausea is down. Eating normally again; still on heavy fluid intake.

Today feels like one of those unfortunate wasted days spent mainly getting through the day. One day closer to ultrasound, one day closer to baby. I'm trying so hard to be good and eat/drink what I should and not allow myself to slip any more than reasonable... I know poor little tadpole only gets one shot at the first 8-10 weeks of development, and they're the most important weeks of the whole pregnancy. So I'm working hard to control the bad cravings and feed the good ones. Let me tell you, it sucks. I have gone almost a week without desserts. Last Monday or so, Rick and I had milkshakes at Cold Stone. That was the last one. Other than the sugar in the ginger ale that saved my stomach last week, I don't think I've had anything with added sugar. And sometimes I think I could KILL for another milkshake.

In other news, mom reports that she and my stepdad are taking on the crib purchase! Yay!  And Rick and I looked into some options with the house that would let us out from under the last of our debt! If all goes well, we could be in fantastic shape by spring, all ready to home-improve and focus on the tadpole!

I guess there was some good from today. Rick agreed that his dental work was important so that he could stop hurting and be fully present for the kiddo. :)

Waiting Is The Hardest Part

I'm feeling better today. While I'm not 100%, this is still a HUGE improvement over the past 48 hours. Food is staying down and the nausea is under control. Not too sure about the other end yet, since nothing has happened yet today. I'm no doctor, but I am gonna go out on a limb here and say this is because my body put me through an involuntary colon cleanse, and I haven't eaten enough to create anything new. Emotionally, I feel bad for skipping rehearsals, but honestly, I wasn't gonna make it through the night. Not even for 2 hours. It was a relief that they canceled because of the driving conditions.  I won't be going tonight, either. I don't trust my bowels - not even as far as I could throw them. Were they not attached. And I didn't need them to live and all. You know.

The good part was finding out that so long as I didn't dehydrate, the baby was in no danger.

Right now I'm caught up in this ugly cycle of "hurry up and wait." Make sure I'm doing all these things correctly today, so that next fall goes smoothly. Eat this, not that. Don't take these pills, but these are ok. Be sure to do all these things immediately! You'll find out eventually if it did any good. Grr. And then there's the short-term waiting. 4 more days until my ultrasound. Another 2 weeks after that until my next checkup at the clinic. 3 more months until we can know gender. A month after that until it moves. A month after that before I'll even really be obviously pregnant (showing). GRR!  I know I need to relax and enjoy it, but I am not a patient person. Never have been. I just want... something to happen, NOW.  *sigh* 

I plan on filling as much time as possible with the important things: baby shopping, house planning, and video games.

G.I. Flu and You!

I am SO not talking about the military here.

Horrible evening, worse night, still pretty crappy morning. By 6pm, there was gas pain and massive nausea. 7pm I had a SEVERE bout of diarrhea, and right afterward puked my guts out. By 9pm I was on the phone to the midwifes to find out if I should be concerned, as it wasn't abating. A short conversation later revealed I most likely have some gastrointestinal flu bug or something similar. It was a relief to know it wasn't a complication, but dang... And within a few minutes of that, I was puking again. It is ... unfortunate ... when the most solid things to exit one's body since yesterday afternoon are the doughy remains of pizza crust from dinner.  This cycle happened every few hours throughout the night.

On a side note here: I have no problem being completely blunt. I will tell you about my bowel movements and rounds of vomit and other less-than-appropriate-for-polite-company items. I will likely say something that is too visceral for some of you. Consider yourself warned. If you can't handle biology and body functions, this blog is probably not for you.

Anyhoo.

Now I am feeling miserable. I can't lie down because of the lower back pain. I can't move around for the nausea. I can't eat yet, tho I did get one cracker down that hasn't come back up. I don't want to get too far away from the bathroom because the diarrhea hasn't stopped, and frankly I can't even pass gas for the same reason! It's frustrating because I can't take anything to stop this, other than a pill for gas. I'm exhausted and feeling like hell.

Anyone who wants to take pity on me and bring over fruit juice or applesauce (and rub my back if you're really kind!) is welcome at my house. I usually try not to harass friends with these kinds of requests, but I'm home alone today and don't have a plethora of options. I would love some low sugar or sugar free juice. Apple or grape or, well, pretty much anything right now.

According to Jana (the midwife) yesterday, morning sickness usually peaks somewhere around weeks 8-10. Which is about where I'm heading right now.

I'm nervous about taking my prenatal vitamin, since it's supposed to go down w/food and can upset the stomach if you don't. Ugh. Just what I need.

Sorry for being whiny and complaining, but this is where I am today. And now, I better go hit the bathroom again to see if my insides have dried up yet. *cry*

Quick update: Talked to Jana again, she discussed my illness with Julie and found out there is rotavirus going around right now. While it's not common in adults, it fits my symptoms perfectly.  Folks, wash your hands and anything that goes in your mouth. I am a habitual hand washer and still got this crap. TRUST ME, you don't want this.
Also, Ketchup brought me grape juice and apple sauce and I cried. THANK YOU AGAIN! <3

Hiccups and Startle Effects

I learned something new and helpful last night whilst watching Rick play Alan Wake on the 360... pregnancy and survival horror are not a good combo. Good to know.

Big day today! 

- I had my first workout since we found out about the baby.  Made it an easy one, since I need to be more aware of my body and its responses to the machines, but it felt good. Well, for the most part. I had an ugly bout of morning sickness, so I was grateful for the stretching and water post-workout. Especially for the part when I stopped moving around. Geh.

- We visited a house for sale. We discussed options for living arrangements. At first, both of us were reluctant to give up certain personal spaces in this house (both of us do need some 'me' space), which led to the discussion of how this house might not work for raising a small child.  So we looked around, and scheduled an appt to see a house a few blocks away. There were a lot of good things about it... and some really bad things. But the best thing about the experience was both of us coming to the realization that our house is in better shape and worth a LOT more than we thought, so why not do some serious brainstorming and plotting and make it work? We sat down over lunch and discussed our thoughts. Found out we were thinking exactly the same things and were completely on the same page. Now we're happy with an outline of how to stay where we are but get what we want. If the perfect house shows up, great! Otherwise, we're gonna make this one as perfect as we can. Felt good to be so in sync with each other.

- First appointment at our clinic!  YAY!  We just love these 2 ladies. Sounds like things are progressing normally for me, and we have no reason to be worried so far. Had to pee in a cup and have my blood drawn, but somehow it didn't bother me quite as much as usual. Probably because I'm willing to do just about anything to make sure this baby is as healthy as possible. Even if it means facing down needles a few times. (Did I really just say that? Ew.) My ultrasound is scheduled for next week, so we can get a better idea of fetal age and see whether or not there are twins.

Other than that, I'm hormonal. Weepy, cranky, puky, you name it. Today is the worst queasiness I've had since the day I puked. Can't seem to get my tummy to calm down. I'll go drink something bubbly and see if that helps. I've also had hiccups for the 2nd time this week. I rarely get them, thus I've noticed. I wonder if that's part of pregnancy, or just a side effect of icky tummy and prenatal vitamins? Hmm. Any which way, I'm SO glad I don't have rehearsal tonight! Pretty sure Shakespeare never intended Balthazar to barf in the middle of "Sigh no more, ladies." But then, he also probably never intended Balthazar to be played by a pregnant woman. Or a woman at all. You know, whatever.

Ok, Rick just cooked something, and the smell is driving my stomach bonkers, and not in a good way. Yuk. Better get farther away from the kitchen.

Baby's First Blog

On January 3, 2011, Rick and I got the best surprise of our lives. We're expecting!

I am that dorky new pregnant lady that took a phone picture of the positive pregnancy test and texted it to a handful of close friends (all the ones that would kill me for not telling them right away, or at least I tried. I was a bit in shock and I think I missed a couple.) "Hey, look what my pee did! Two pink lines!"  

Rick is the dorky soon-to-be-first-time-dad who was happy, then panicked and kept himself awake all night worrying.

Per the request of a couple friends, we are starting this blog to record our thoughts, complaints, excitement, and other typical new parent stuff, as well as to have one dumping point for lists of names, supplies, appointments, and so on, in a manner where friends and family can stay informed and comment, assist, or point and laugh. Whichever is most appropriate.

We have our first prenatal visit tomorrow with our CNM. (That's Certified Nurse Midwife for those not aware.) I feel very strongly about having a midwife and having more control over my pregnancy and birth, because we're only planning on doing this once. I want the complete experience with as few regrets as possible. This first appointment is the "orientation" visit for their clinic as well as my first baby checkup. I can't wait. I'm hoping they ask for an early ultrasound. If they don't, I will. I don't know exactly when I conceived and I can't remember my last period dates. Sometime in November. Which doesn't help at all, because my cycle is completely irregular. Long story short, I could be anywhere from 4 weeks (fetal age) to 8 weeks. (Oh, on a side note, I prefer to use fetal age and will do so unless otherwise specified. Counting your pregnancy from 2 or 3 weeks before you become pregnant makes no sense at all to me, especially w/my irregular cycle.) Anyhoo, I want the ultrasound - even if it IS the icky internal one - just to get some idea how far along I truly am. And for the other major reason.

Twins.

They run in my family on the Springer side. I found out last summer that there's a pretty good chance they ran on my paternal side as well. It is my generation for them to happen again. Of the three of us in this generation, one isn't having children, one had 3 singles... and then there's me. So I VERY MUCH want to know ahead of time. We won't know gender or anything yet, just whether or not there are two babies in there and the size.

I won't regale you all with the 50 million emotions running through me every minute of the day. I guarantee you can google "first pregnancy" and get a pretty good idea. I am taking it all in stride like any other first timer and have every nervous and excited emotion to go with it. Please know that we are thrilled about this baby. It was very much wanted and definitely on purpose. I am ecstatically happy.

I am pretty tired of peeing every 15 minutes, however.

My morning sickness has been blessedly light, and mostly in the evenings. Works out better; that's when Rick's home to bring me water and crackers and make sure my trash can by the bed is empty in case of emergency. He's such a love. I will say, I'm hoping I'm closer to the 8 week mark, because that will put me most of the way through my 1st trimester. I am SO looking forward to having energy and feeling better.

I'll get a rundown of our baby box contents on here at some point soon, so that folks will know what we have and what to clean out of their baby storage and pass on to us. 

In the meanwhile, we love hearing from you all. We welcome comments, suggestions, opinions, even advice!  More blogging soon! <3