...then skydiving is not for you.
On Friday the 21st, I lost the pregnancy. Most of you already know this. I felt I needed to continue this blog as a record - as it was intended - of our difficulties as well as the happy moments. And, believe it or not, there have been both in the last week. I decided I'd prefer to put all this down as part of our journey to parenthood, so that I don't have to constantly repeat myself. I know people are curious. It's human nature to wonder what happened. I do not begrudge any of you that instinct. It was a very personal experience, and I'm sure you can understand my not wanting to talk about it except on my own terms. So here is an outline of what we went through and learned.
Fact: Everyone tends to focus on the emotional impact of miscarriage. What they forget to tell you is IT HURTS LIKE A MOFO. Physically. You are in labor, for Pete's sake! And while it varies from woman to woman, for me the pain continued for 4 days afterward. Yes, really. Contractions off and on until the following Tuesday. It was salt in a wound; insult to injury. The only thing that helped me with this was the underlying biology, as follows.
Fact: The most likely explanation of why this pregnancy didn't take is blighted ovum. Non-viable egg means non-viable pregnancy. You'll note I'm not referring to it as a baby anymore. This is because there never was one. The egg likely never even made it past cells into zygote stage. Yes, it fertilized and implanted. Yes, I was pregnant. It even grew a teeny amniotic sac. But there was no baby inside. In some ways, this is both the most tragic and most reassuring part. In my case, this fact actually helped me heal from the loss sooner. Once I had mourned the potential that we'd assumed was there - the future baby, the parenting, the expectations of the whole experience that were now gone - my logical side asserted itself and reminded me there was no reason to wallow in grief over something that was never there to begin with. There was NOTHING that could have been done. I fired a blank. And there were several very good realizations that came out of this awful experience.
Fact: We can get pregnant. This news just by itself is huge! I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) which can often interfere with or even prevent conception. Rick is almost 40; I will be 35 this year. Those numbers do not rule us out for conceiving, but also do not improve our chances. We had many less-than-optimal factors and even my doctor telling us that we shouldn't stress out if we don't manage to get pregnant even after a year of actively trying (i.e. charting basal temps, scheduling around ovulation, etc.). All we did was lose the contraceptives, and we managed to conceive in 6 months. This is fantastic news. That's a normal time line for even a younger, perfectly healthy couple! So there is no reason to think that our next attempt will be less than successful.
Fact: If you take into consideration all the pregnancies that never make it past a few weeks and thus are never even known about, somewhere around half of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. If you strip that down to just the ones that are reported - got a positive test result and know they are pregnant - the numbers are still about 25% miscarried. No joke, 1 in 4 are lost. These are stats from my doctor and midwives, I do not make this up. The good news here? Of those 25 in 100, 80% will go on to have a perfectly healthy, normal 2nd pregnancy. That drops the chance of a 2nd miscarriage down to a mere 5%. I find that very hopeful and reassuring.
Fact: There is no real evidence to show that waiting past multiple menstrual cycles reduces the chance of a 2nd miscarriage. Yes, some doctors recommend waiting. I think that often depends on the individual situation. If you've had a D&C, or had a later term miscarriage, by all means you should probably wait until your body returns to normal. Uterus needs to shrink, hormone levels need to get back to non-pregnant state. However, if, like in our case: we had an early term, natural miscarriage; my body took care of itself; my hormones didn't have so far to go and everything looks to be back to pre-pregnant state... so long as the person has truly dealt with their grief and issues over losing the previous pregnancy, there is no other reason to have to wait to try again. It does not increase or decrease our chances at a normal 2nd try if we don't wait. Which brings me to the final point.
Fact: After adjusting to the idea of an impending baby, Rick realized that he was truly excited and looking forward to being a father. I realized how very ready I am for this - even more than I thought I was before we got the positive test. We know we can be good parents. And we are ready to go for it. This takes away a load of the fears and concerns of not knowing how we'd react. We do know, and we're both anticipating parenthood with a positive outlook now.
My point of all this? We're going to try again. This blog will stick around. I may not post as often until we conceive again, but by golly we're not giving up. When I get pregnant again, you will all hear about it. I am not going to keep the news to myself or pretend I'm not pregnant until after the first trimester. We've waited far too long for this to not want to share it with everyone.
To all of you who sent messages, emails, notes, and love - Thank you. I may have been a hermit for most of the week, but knowing I had that bear hug of love and support surrounding my home made it just a little easier to deal with each day. I love you all, and appreciate you more than you know. <3
Also, to whomever left the anonymous bouquet of flowers on our doorstep, they are lovely and we are very touched by your kindness. <3
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