This Is Probably Why I'm Eating So Much Cheese

Ok, here come the whines. Stop reading now and skim to the end if you don't wanna hear them.

I am so done. I'm sitting here at my desk, throwing a pity party for myself, because I'm not sure I will survive the next week+ if Lyra decides to wait for April to be born. I am so tired and sore and nauseated and ambivalent to the whole process at this point, if someone could offer me a risk-free induction of labor, I think I'd take it immediately.

And then, I start feeling like the world's worst mother for feeling that way. Aren't I supposed to be enjoying this pregnancy thing? Miracle of life and all that tripe? Why can't I just sit back and appreciate the last days without wanting it over NOW? I'm never doing this again, so why rush the diaper changes and 2am feedings? Maybe I'm not cut out for this mom thing - I'm too selfish or self absorbed or impatient or insensitive or *insert an entire thesaurus' worth of words meaning 'crappy mom' here* ...

And then I hear myself and think, "Dear lord, Linnea! Buck up! You've managed 9.5 months of this crud, you can manage another week, so put on your big girl panties and deal with it." And I try to do just that...

And then I hit the exhaustion wall for the Nth time that day and the cycle repeats, because I realize I just don't wanna suck it up for another hour, much less days. I want to curl into a ball and cry and have everyone feel bad for poor me who is having such a hell of a time.

I am tired of eating. I am tired of peeing at least every 30 min. I am tired of not being able to easily roll over in bed without assistance. I am tired of constant hemorrhoids. I am tired of waking up tired and spending the day tired and going to bed tired and then having insomnia because I'm so overtired and having to take a pill to get any sleep at all. I'm tired of feeling stupid and lumbering around like a hippo and not being able to bend over comfortably and seeing Rick be worn down by trying to cater to everything I'm unable to do for myself with any ease even when I tell him he doesn't need to do it all.

I feel like I am failing at pregnancy. Epic fail, too.

My mother tells me that I inevitably would hit this point in pregnancy. I'm glad to know other moms can feel this way, but it really doesn't make me feel any better. I am still waiting for energy and nesting urges. Never happened for me. I threw up. Then I threw up more. Then I slept a lot. Then I stopped throwing up and felt mostly human for a month or so. Then I went back to utter exhaustion and nausea (although blessedly without throwing up most of the time.)  I haven't had a break.

Any of you mothers who had easy pregnancies - I don't want to hear a word about how 'this, too, shall pass' and 'holding the baby will make it all worth it.'  Unless you went through 9 months of craptastic-ness, YOU DON'T GET IT.  At this moment, I couldn't care less about how much better I'll feel once she's born. I feel like death warmed over with no respite on the immediate horizon. Until those labor contractions start, I am stuck here in Exhaustionville, on the corner of Pain Street and Burst Into Tears Avenue.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

And now, just to show that I'm not a total loss (step 3 of my cycle, you see?) I will list some of the good things with this pregnancy.

-A ridiculously large and healthy baby. For all my discomfort, she's doing brilliantly.
-No toxemia/hypertension. That is a big freaking deal, right there.
-Realizing my blood sugar levels are much more normal than I'd suspected.
-No leg cramps. They can get really extreme in pregnancy, and I've not had a single one yet, knock on wood.
-Apparently I look really cute as a pregnant lady. And maternity clothes are SO dang comfy!
-Laughing at the ridiculous conversations that Rick and I would never have dreamed of sharing any other time.
-Finding out how wonderful Rick's co-workers are and how much they support and care about him.
-Spending more time chatting with my mom than I have in years, and connecting on a whole new level.
-Testing negative for Strep B.
-Constant amusement from Lyra's interactions, especially when she responds to daddy's voice.

See, I do know it's not all bad. I just feel crappy and want her to decide to be born already. C'mon, labor, any time now...