Growing so fast...

Lyra had her first outside-the-hospital checkup yesterday - 6 ounces and 2 inches longer than she was at birth.  Happy and healthy!  Mom is doing much better; now we're back to just being short of sleep. :D

Home, home again / I like to be here / When I can

Well, we're back from the hospital... again. Turned out that while Lyra was just fine, Mom was not - the infection in the placenta didn't get through to Lyra, but apparently did get into Linnea's blood stream, and caused a bout of pneumonia that took her from tired one moment to shaking, fever, and trouble breathing the next. So, we made a flying trip to the ER Tuesday evening, and she was just released today. So if you've been wondering why we've been so quiet/why we haven't been around to show off Lyra, now you know. We plan to have a nice quiet weekend, then pick up where we left off, so please be patient! :)

Random observations

Forgive the rambling; I'm still a bit sleep deprived, but wanted to get this in place now. Linnea and/or I will expand on these later, probably more coherently. :)

• Julie Bates and Jana Sund of Family Born are wonderful. Fantastic care givers and support team. Recommended!
  
• While we didn't meet everyone on staff at the KRMC Birthing Center, we met a lot of them, and they were fantastic. Recommended, with one exception (see below). They went above and beyond the call of duty to help us through the week we spent there; we literally could not have done it without them.
• Labor is hard. Induced labor is agony. Many have said that if men had to go through that much pain to procreate, the human race would die out... lot of truth there.
• Epidurals have risks, from minor to life threatening. That said, sometimes you don't have a choice, and the pain relief is amazing. Don't rush into one, but don't rule it out either; it may be your only option.
• At least one of the doctors who does rounds in the Birthing Center is very pro formula, pushing it on breastfeeding mothers, and ordering nurses to do the same. Fortunately(?) I wasn't there during that visit, so I didn't get to ask said doctor which formula companies he had stock in. Yet another reason to pick a CNM as primary caregiver.
  
• On the same topic - the formula companies are ever so helpful, providing breast feeding kits... with some pre-mixed formula "just in case". As with many corporate sponsorships, the thing to remember is that a company does not do something out of the kindness of its non-existent heart. They know how hard breast feeding can be at the start, and they're ready and eager to provide an "easier" way, for a price. All it takes is money, and being willing to forgo the benefits of breast feeding.
• To echo what many others have said: prep your house and yourself for the 1st few days after birth just like you would for a major sickness. You will be exhausted, and every little thing that you don't have to take care of now will help.
• If you're planning to have a child, take the free birthing classes - the info helps!
• Meconium stool will disturb you if you're not ready for it. It looks very much like vegemite (see, told you it was disturbing). Draw your own conclusions on that one.
• Diaper changes haven't been anywhere near as bad as people have warned me about. They're certainly not fun, but neither are they as horrible as advertised.

More later - have to go make some dinner.

Load complete; running...

Lyra is here! Mom and daughter have been discharged from the Birthing Center (longest week of our lives, details later). Lyra is healthy and happy; Mom is tired and healing, Dad is mainly just tired. :) Stay tuned for more details once we've rested, and to find out when visitors will be welcome. (We would love to show her off now, but we simply can't until we have rested; thanks for being patient!)

A Letter To My Daughter

Dearest Lyra, whom I love completely and utterly:

GET OUT.

Your adoring mother,
Linnea

This Is Probably Why I'm Eating So Much Cheese

Ok, here come the whines. Stop reading now and skim to the end if you don't wanna hear them.

I am so done. I'm sitting here at my desk, throwing a pity party for myself, because I'm not sure I will survive the next week+ if Lyra decides to wait for April to be born. I am so tired and sore and nauseated and ambivalent to the whole process at this point, if someone could offer me a risk-free induction of labor, I think I'd take it immediately.

And then, I start feeling like the world's worst mother for feeling that way. Aren't I supposed to be enjoying this pregnancy thing? Miracle of life and all that tripe? Why can't I just sit back and appreciate the last days without wanting it over NOW? I'm never doing this again, so why rush the diaper changes and 2am feedings? Maybe I'm not cut out for this mom thing - I'm too selfish or self absorbed or impatient or insensitive or *insert an entire thesaurus' worth of words meaning 'crappy mom' here* ...

And then I hear myself and think, "Dear lord, Linnea! Buck up! You've managed 9.5 months of this crud, you can manage another week, so put on your big girl panties and deal with it." And I try to do just that...

And then I hit the exhaustion wall for the Nth time that day and the cycle repeats, because I realize I just don't wanna suck it up for another hour, much less days. I want to curl into a ball and cry and have everyone feel bad for poor me who is having such a hell of a time.

I am tired of eating. I am tired of peeing at least every 30 min. I am tired of not being able to easily roll over in bed without assistance. I am tired of constant hemorrhoids. I am tired of waking up tired and spending the day tired and going to bed tired and then having insomnia because I'm so overtired and having to take a pill to get any sleep at all. I'm tired of feeling stupid and lumbering around like a hippo and not being able to bend over comfortably and seeing Rick be worn down by trying to cater to everything I'm unable to do for myself with any ease even when I tell him he doesn't need to do it all.

I feel like I am failing at pregnancy. Epic fail, too.

My mother tells me that I inevitably would hit this point in pregnancy. I'm glad to know other moms can feel this way, but it really doesn't make me feel any better. I am still waiting for energy and nesting urges. Never happened for me. I threw up. Then I threw up more. Then I slept a lot. Then I stopped throwing up and felt mostly human for a month or so. Then I went back to utter exhaustion and nausea (although blessedly without throwing up most of the time.)  I haven't had a break.

Any of you mothers who had easy pregnancies - I don't want to hear a word about how 'this, too, shall pass' and 'holding the baby will make it all worth it.'  Unless you went through 9 months of craptastic-ness, YOU DON'T GET IT.  At this moment, I couldn't care less about how much better I'll feel once she's born. I feel like death warmed over with no respite on the immediate horizon. Until those labor contractions start, I am stuck here in Exhaustionville, on the corner of Pain Street and Burst Into Tears Avenue.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

And now, just to show that I'm not a total loss (step 3 of my cycle, you see?) I will list some of the good things with this pregnancy.

-A ridiculously large and healthy baby. For all my discomfort, she's doing brilliantly.
-No toxemia/hypertension. That is a big freaking deal, right there.
-Realizing my blood sugar levels are much more normal than I'd suspected.
-No leg cramps. They can get really extreme in pregnancy, and I've not had a single one yet, knock on wood.
-Apparently I look really cute as a pregnant lady. And maternity clothes are SO dang comfy!
-Laughing at the ridiculous conversations that Rick and I would never have dreamed of sharing any other time.
-Finding out how wonderful Rick's co-workers are and how much they support and care about him.
-Spending more time chatting with my mom than I have in years, and connecting on a whole new level.
-Testing negative for Strep B.
-Constant amusement from Lyra's interactions, especially when she responds to daddy's voice.

See, I do know it's not all bad. I just feel crappy and want her to decide to be born already. C'mon, labor, any time now...

Contract(ion)ual Obligations?

Just to let everyone know what's been going on:

I swear I am not ignoring any of you. I have been a bit preoccupied for a few days.

This evening wraps up the 4th day in a row of early labor contractions besieging my poor abused belly. So not only do I feel like an overripe melon, but also like an overripe melon left rolling around in the back of a truck.

This all started Wednesday. I'd noticed smaller contractions all day, mostly spaced out - not more than 2 per hour most of the afternoon. By the time Rick got home, I realized they were getting more frequent and regular. We started timing, and they kept hovering right on the edge of worrisome/exciting. By 11:30pm, we gave in and called Julie, who agreed that it wasn't quite concerning, and said if I could get some rest to do so and see how I felt in the morning because they'd likely peter out over the next hour or so.

3:30am Thursday I finally fell asleep from exhaustion, still having contractions. They were coming in sets. I'd have an hour of consistency and increasing length, then have a sudden break for 20-30 min. I slept about an hour or two at a time, and dreamed about having contractions.

Rick had planned on having lunch with me Thursday noon, so my last 2 hours of sleep came between 9 and 11am that morning. He brought food, and I was still contracting. We called Julie again, and she was surprised to hear it had gone on all night. At that point, she told us to head to the clinic for a checkup.

Result of exam: Baby doesn't seem stressed by the contractions, which is good. I was dilated about 1cm, which is inconclusive. Baby's back was also turned too far towards my spine, which was causing back labor, which is what causes those start-and-stop sets and all the fun back pain. We got instructions on things to try to get her turned face down into proper position, and confirmed that it probably is very early labor and that it could go on anywhere from hours to weeks. Let my mother know that she needs to start keeping her cell within reach NOW instead of 2 weeks from now. Went to Target and walked around for a while to see what it would do to progress things along, and to pick up our last few baby items. Went home. Tried to rest with mixed results. By 11pm was feeling exhausted and beaten up again. Finally fell asleep.

Rick took Friday off because the darn things wouldn't stop OR progress enough to move to active labor and he wanted to be home with me "just in case." By this point, I was getting quite frustrated and beyond tired. We called Julie again to let her know nothing had changed and ask for advice. She said so long as I am able to rest and wait things out, our best course of action was to go with it. But if I were to get too tired and worn down, we'd have to start thinking about what to do next - speed it up or stop it. We opted to do nothing yet, and went to run errands around 12:30pm. Ended up walking the mall a few times up and down, until I was having trouble lifting my feet to step. Got the contractions up to about 2 min apart and well over 45 seconds long for a while... then headed home, almost falling over tired and with a splitting headache, about 5pm. Contractions stopped completely for an hour or so. About the time I was ready to say we were done, they started back up. That repeated all evening/night. Clusters of 3-5 contractions over maybe half an hour tops, then nothing for an hour. Lather, rinse, repeat. Around 10pm, I was done fussing with the whole thing and told Rick, "It will be what it wants to be, and this kid is contrary enough to take her own sweet time and do it ONLY on HER schedule." So Rick massaged my back for a while. Then I took a warm shower and some Tylenol. Then we got some snacks and climbed in bed and turned on Craig Fergusson's late show and laughed ourselves silly. Finally fell asleep in the wee hours, and actually got a few consecutive hours of rest. (Minus the 3 trips to the loo, but that's normal now.)

After giving up and relaxing and doing some de-stressing, the contractions came back and continued through the night, though at a more relaxed pace than before.

This morning, they were still going. Went to the chiropractor this morning for my upper back and neck, which blessedly stopped the massive headache that I'd had since yesterday afternoon. Now I am getting 10-20 min between most of the contractions (with some faster clustering through the day as well) and many are lasting upwards of a minute. But they haven't stopped. We went to see the Noises Off matinee at FVCC, and I had about 6 or 7 contractions in the 2 hours we were watching.

(By the way, having a 75lb dog slam his front paws into the top of your uterus - especially as you're just ending a contraction - can bring on another one immediately. And with no break from the pain, it hurts like a sonofabitch. Just FYI.)

Anyhoo, if things are still doing this same song and dance come Monday, I'll be talking to the midwives again and probably asking for another pelvic exam. (Did those words really just come from me? Ugh.) I'd rather know that any progress is being made, whether it's dilation or effacement or whatever, than going on indefinitely, wondering wtf is taking so darn long and why the hell does it need to involve this level of discomfort and pain to get there, sheesh!

So that's what's been going on with me for the last 4 days. And likely, for the foreseeable future. I am around, and will probably answer texts or Facebook messages. But the phone is hit/miss, depending on contractions. (As entertaining as it might be, generally when someone has a phone call involving nothing but heavy breathing on the other end, there is a stalker or a 1-900 number somewhere in the mix.)

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

And, if you'll pardon me, I'm having a contraction right now.